


Call of Enoby

by hope_to_last



Series: Call of Enoby 'verse [1]
Category: My Immortal, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, Parody, Satire, Sorry Not Sorry, my immortal parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-03-23 10:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 12,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13785231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hope_to_last/pseuds/hope_to_last
Summary: Call of Enoby is a My Immortal parody, using the characters from the videogame S.T.A.L.K.E.R. It needed to be done, search your feelings, you know it to be true.





	1. CHAPTER 1

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone loves a good My Immortal parody, right? It may be The Worst (tm) fanfic ever, but heck if it's not vastly funny in its glorious terrible-ness.
> 
> So meet Call of Enoby, aka, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. done My Immortal style. What do you say, that this is an abomination? Yeah, I know. And it's glorious!
> 
> Buckle up and enjoy this crazy ride! Updates every week (or so I'll try for) :D

 Hi my name is Strelok Mark'ed One Shorty Way and I'm a really good shooter (that's how I got my name) and I have sad puppy eyes and a lot of people tell me I look like a non-mutated mouse (AN: if you don't know what mutants are get da hell out of here stalker!). I'm no related to Major Degtyarev but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are crooked and radioactive. I have pale white skin. I'm also a stalker and I prowl the Chernobyl exclusion Zone in Ukraine where I'm a legend. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) but I mostly wear dirty protection suits. I love army surplus and I buy all my clothes at Sidorovich's. For example today I was wearing a worn SEVA suit with mud and blood splatters, with my loner patch in the hood and old military boots. I was wearing a lot of artifacts in my belt, a Cristal Thorn, a Stone Blood and a Night Star. I was walking outside the rookie village in Cordon. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of rookies stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Strelok!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was… Scar!

"What's up Scar?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


	2. CHAPTER 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can also follow this trainwreck on Tumblr: myimmortalstalker. Since I already posted two chapters there, you get two chapter in a row.

The next day I woke up in an abandoned house. It was snowing and raining again. I opened my sleeping bag and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My sleeping bag was black ebony with three white stripes and inside it was hot pink. I got out of my sleeping bag and took of my tracksuit I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a bloodied Sunrise suit, a scarf around my mouth like a balaclava and combat boots. I put on four artifacts in my belt, and tried to comb my short hair to hide my receding hairline.

My friend Ghost (AN: Ghost dis u!) woke up and grinned at me. He scratched his raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his dark eyes. He put on his healing suit, gasmask and huge black boots. We put on our makeup (manly black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Scar yesterday!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Scar?" he asked as we went out of the abandoned house and into the nearby rookie village.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Scar walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Gopnik McBlyat is having a concert in  _The 100 Rads_." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love Gopnik McBlyat. He's my favorite artist, besides DJ Blyatman.

"Well… do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. CHAPTER 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter was already written (and posted on my writing tumblr) a long time ago. So it'll probably be a double update.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots. Underneath them were ripped socks. Then I put on a black Duty-like suit with all this red stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my short hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing story on my PDA feed while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some Gopnink McBlyat. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some camouflage painting. I didn't add much of it because my face was smudged enough. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Scar was waiting there in front of his barely functional car. He was wearing a mercenary suit (they'd be the security at the show), large gold chain around his neck, black nail polish and a little eyeliner. (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Scar!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Strelok." he said back. We walked into his repaired rusty Lada (the license plate said 666) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we tried to listen a XS Project cassette, but it got stuck. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the improvised stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Gopnik McBlyat.

_Gopnik squatting music_

_Slavness begins_

_Anu!_

_Anu-nu-nu-nu!_

_Cheeki Breeki Iv Damke!_ he sang.  _(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)_ _._

"His gasmask is so fucking hot" I said to Scar, pointing to him as he played, filling the air with his amazing music.

Suddenly Scar looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok. I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Scar sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know him and he isn't a stalker. I hate that." I said disgustedly, thinking of people who never got irradiated.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Scar. After the concert, we drank some vodka and asked Gopnik McBlyat for an autograph and photos with him. Scar and I crawled back to the Lada, but Scar didn't go back into the rookie village, instead he drove the car into... ... ... ... ... the Red Forest!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The further we get into this, the more it spirals into madness

_AN: Strelok's name is Stelrok nut gary stu OK! SCAR IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting deferent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

 

"SCAR!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Scar didn't answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Strelok?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Scar leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then... suddenly just as I Scar kissed me passionately. Scar climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my hood and I took of his clothes. I even took of my boots. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sidorovich!


	5. CHAPTER 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a few chapters the "plot" will stop having any shred of sense or sanity. Trust me XD

AN: Da only reson Sedorovic swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

 

Sidorovich made and Scar and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Scar comforted me. When we went back to the  _The 100 Rads_  Sidorovich took us to Tremor and Guide who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Red Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Guide.

"How dare you?" demanded Tremor.

And then Scar shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Sidorovich and Guide still looked mad but Tremor said. "Fine. Very well. You may go to find somewhere to sleep."

Scar and I went to find a campfire while they stared at us.

"Are you okay, Strelok?" Scar asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to grab some stuff from my backpack and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a ratty sweater, a leather trench coat over it and black boots. When I went back to the campfire...

Scar was standing in front of the fire, and he started to beatbox Squat Party by Gopnik McBlyat. I was so flattered, even though the other stalkers were yelling at us to stop. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and we reluctantly went to sleep.

 


	6. CHAPTER 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, Major Bloodsucker Degtyarev making his debut!

The next day I woke up in my sleeping bag. I put on my old SEVA suit that was all ripped around the ends and a hood with red skulls all over it and boots that were black. I put on two artifacts in my belt. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In  _The 100 Rads_ , I ate some bread with raw bloody meat instead of canned meat, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my chest.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t wear a SSU badge anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Scar’s. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Ukrainian accent. He looked exactly like goff gopnik. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Major Alexander Degtyarev, although most people call me Bloodsucker these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I’m a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Scar came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Bring me 2 life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops, sorry for the delay! Anyway, this chapter is just badly written porn... the true My Immortal spirit xD

Scar and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing a red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Garu Stue 2 u?). I waved to Bloodsucker. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Scar. Anyway, I went to an empty building excitedly with Scar. We went to a dark corner. Then...

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my corset. Then I took off my stalker suit and he took off his pants. We went to the bed roll and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Scar, Scar!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Scar’s arm. It was a black heat with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... ... ... ... ... Bloodsucker!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed roll.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Scar pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have radiation poisoning anyway!”

I put my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Scar ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was on the room Bloodsucker was in talking with Tremor and some other people.

“BLOODSUCKER DEGTYAREV, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. CHAPTER 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I had to mention private Slutsky (Experienced) somehow xD

Everyone in the room stared at me and then Scar came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Strelok, it’s not what you think!” Scar screamed sadly.

My friend Fang smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his (waste-length gothic black hair) and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin that he was hiding under camo paint. Fang was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are vampires and one of them is a stalker but Sultan killed his mother and his father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is a mystery. (Since he has converted to Satanism he doesn’t stutter anymore).

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Tremor demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Bloodsucker, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Scar!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Strelok was so mad at me. I had went out with Bloodsucker (I’m gay and so is Strelok) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Slutsky, a stupid preppy military fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“But I’m not going out with Scar anymore!” Said Bloodsucker.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of Bar and into the Red Forest where I had lost my virility to Scar and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. CHAPTER 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya, let's get the show rollin' (I had to change the broom references cause they made no sense in this setting XD)

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Scar for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Scar.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no hair and everything started running towards! He didn't have any hair (basically like Sultan in the Skadovsk) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... ... ... ... Sultan!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Sultan shouted "Cyka blyat!" and I couldn't run away.

"Druzhok!" I shouted at him. Sultan fell down and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped it.

"Strelok." he yelled. "Thou must kill Bloodsucker Degtyarev!"

I thought about Bloodsucker and his sexah eyes and gothic black hair and how his face looks just like a hot gopnik. I remembered that Scar had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Scar went out with Bloodsucker before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Sultan!" I shouted back.

Sultan gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Scar!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Sultan got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Bloodsucker, then thou know what will happen to Scar!" he shouted. Then he run away angrily.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Scar came into the woods.

"Scar!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing camo paint and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between a racoon and a zombie.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we want back to Bar together making out.


	10. CHAPTER 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on buckle up because the next chapters make no fucking sense at all and they come with a hurricane of misspellings XD

I was really scared about Slutan all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic hardbass group  _Cyka Blyat 666_. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say we sound like a cross between Gopnik McBlyat and Evanescence. The other people in the group are Fang, Bloodsucker, Scar, Nimble and Vano (although we call him Burer now. He has black hair with blue streaks in it and his beard) and Forester. Only today Scar and Bloodsucker were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Scar was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Bloodsucker was probably watching a depressing movie like Ivan's Childhood. I put on a black leather jacket that showed off my pecs and adidas trousers that said  _All In_  on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of 'Murka' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Strelok! Are you OK?" Fang asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Sultan came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Degtyarev! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Scar. But if I don't kill Degtyarev, then Slutan, will fucking kill Scar!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Scar jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- fucking poser rookie bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Scar started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Sidorovich walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wus relly upset n u will c y) "Strelok Scar has been found in an abandoned house. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."


	11. CHAPTER 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea of what's going on in this chapter but I laughed so much writing it. The music references are the bane of my existence, so if you have better suggestions please tell me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied. Fang tried to comfort me but I told him to fuck off and I ran to an empty warehouse crying myself. Sidorovich chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my bedroll cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and cleaned myself angrily while I put on a hardbass sing at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got cleaned and put on a Sunrise suit with lint all over it sandly. I put on black boots with shiny metal stuff on the ends and six glowy artifacts. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out of the window and screamed… … … Termo was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Lukash was masticating to it! They were standing on the outside.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PERVS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Boris the Slav King on it. Suddenly Bloodsucker ran in.

"Fuhgetaboutit!" he yelled at Tremor and Lookash pointing his gum. I took my own gun and shot Tremor and Lookash a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Sidorobitch ran in. "Strelok, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Tremor and Lukash and then he fired his gun and suddenly… … …

Frorester ran outside on his feet and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Frorester? You're just an old stalker!"

"I MAY BE AN OLD STALKER…" Frorester paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST GOPNIK!"

"This cannot be." Termo said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Sidorobitch's gun had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Lookash held up the PDA triumelephantly. "The screen may be ruined but the video is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood or vodka.

"Why are you doing this?" Lookash said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his suite.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked or happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE… BECAUSE…" Froster said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his hand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a hardbass version of a song by the Red Army Choir.

"Because you're goffic?" Termo asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraid it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HIM!"


	12. CHAPTER 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legit have no idea of wtf is happening here XD Also, I had to find a way to work around the lightning scar thing without giving Degtyarev one

I was about to slit my wrists again with the rusty knife that Scare had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGH IT WAS FROrester but it was Bloodsucker. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HEAD HURTS!" and then… … … his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my head hurt really badly!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't get visions!" I shouted.

"I don't, but now I had one." he said back. "Anyway my head hurt so much! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Scar… … Slutan has him bondage!"

Anyway I was in Doc's care now recovering from my slit wrists. Termor and Lookash and FORSTER were there too. They were going to be abandoned in Pripayt after they recovered cause they were pervs and you can't have those around places with lots of hot stalkerz. Sidorovich had constipated the PDA video they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyways Forster came into my bedroll holding a bouquet of wilted pink flowers.

"Selok I need to tell u something." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the flowers.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink, anyway, and I don't like fucked up bitches like you." I snapped. Forster had been mean to me before being goffnik.

"No Setrlok." Forster says. "Those are not flowers."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink flowers.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p– video made from being naked and being vued by Termo and Lookash" Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed a finger at the pink flowers. "These aren't flowers." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered I said come in bLOWOUT SOON FELLOW STALKER! .

And then the flowers turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Scare?"

Forster rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Stelrok," Seedorovyc said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urself 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Forster yelled. SedoroBITCh lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Forster stormed off back into his cabin. "U r a liar, Seedorovich!"

Anyway, when I got better I went upstairs and put in a black SEVA suit that was ripped on the ends. There was some corset-like stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black military boots with pictures of weapons on them. I put my ushanka so I looked like a proper slav (if u don't know what a ushanka iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red face paint and black eyeliner.

"You look kawai, dude." Ghost said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in a dark corner and took care to stay hidden so Termo and Lookash couldn't spy on me this time. I went to visit some people. Bloodsucker was in the 100 Rads. He looked all depressed because Scar had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Scar. He was sucking some blood from a rookie.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Degtyarev had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Scars. Then… …. we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" Shouted Guide who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Bloodsucker you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Scar!" I shouted and then ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOOO! MY HEAD HURTS!" and then… his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't get visions!" I shouted.

"I don't, but now I had one." he said back. "Anyway my head hurt so much and then I had a vision of what was happening to Scar… … Slutan has him bondage!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuuuck I've been so busy and tired I forgot the wekly update!two days late but better late than never, right?

Bloodsucker and I ran up to Cordon looking for Sidorovich. We were so scared.

"Sidorovich Sedorobic!" we both yelled. Sidorovich came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily

"Slutan has Scar!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Scar!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a damn what Sultan does to Scar. Not after how much ruckus he cause around especially with YOU Strelok." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Bloodsucker started crying. "My Scar!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

"It's okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his Svarog detector and started walking into a strange bubble. Then... ... ... suddenly we were in Saltan's lair!


	14. CHAPTER 14

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWR EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran where Stulan was. It turned out that Sultan wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who lied about his adventures was. Scar was there crying tears of blood. Flint was torturing him. Bloodsucker and I ran in front of Flimt.

“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes.”StrelokIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said (in dis he’s a follower of Slutan, so he’s not from Freedom ok)

“Huh?” I asked

“Stelrok I  love you will you have sex with me?” asked Filmt. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. The he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Flimt what art thou doing?” called Sultan. Then... ... he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our feet and ran to Bar. We went to an abandoned warehouse. Bloodsucker went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Scar taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“It’s so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other stalkers and preps here except for Ghost, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you want to be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Scar.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Tremor and Lookash took a video of me naked. Frorester says he’s in love with me. Bloodsucker likes me and now even Filmt is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Scar! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory selok isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes pretty) “I’m good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKIN CURSE!” i shouted and then I ran away.


	15. CHAPTER 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the pop culture and music references will be the death of me! I'm making shit up at the speed of light and it's obvious XD If you have suggestions about that, for the love of god don't hesitat to pitch in!

"Strelok Strelok!" shouted Scar sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex wit Bloodsucker!" I shouted. I stormed into an abandoned house and couldn't close the door cuz it didn't have any. It had a picture of a soldier in a gasmask on the wall. It looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Scar and Bloodsucker. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank all the blood depressed. the I looked at my black DJ Blyatman PDA and noticed it was time to go impart class on the rookies.

I put on a ripped Sunrise Suit that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black socks and boots that said Zone all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went to the rookie village feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced stalker work. I was demonstrating how to use bolts. Suddenly, Scar appeared from behind a bush!

"Stelrok I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful stalker in the Zone. Before I met you u I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then... ... he started to sing Cheeki Breeki Revolt (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Gopnik McBlyat was singing it) right in front of all the rookies! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexy like a cross between Dracula and a drunk soviet soldier (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuck out od hr!).

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking rookie preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Scar's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Brezhnev and Honecker (i fukin h8 dat bitches) in  _Fraternal Kiss_. Then we went away holding hands. Wolf shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Hard Bass School would have a concert in  _The 100_ Rads right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. CHAPTER 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone has any clue of wtf is going on here please tell me XD Also, did I already say I'm sick to death of music references?  
> And a wild Mitka Dynamite appears, lmao

We ran happily to  _The 100 Rads_. There we saw the stage where Gopnik McBlyat had played. We ran in happily. Hard Bass School were there playing ‘ _Sex, kvass, hardbass_ ’. I was so fucking happy! The singer looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Scar thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather jacket and black leather platinum boots with red ripped gloves. Scar was wearing a black baggy trench coat and blue mercenary pants. Anyways, we stated moshing to ‘ _Gop Fm_ ’. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, the singer pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,... .... .... Slutan and da Bnadits!

“Wtf Scarr im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its Hard Bass School n u no how much I lik them.”

“What cause we... you know...” he gadgetted uncomfortibli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Scar promised. “this time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a rookie or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a prep or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Setrlok! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Snakes in tracksuits’ by Gopnik McBlyat to me.

I was flattened cause he had memorize da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then i guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went to my sleeping bag in an abandoned house.

Ghost was standing there. “Hajimemashite boi.” he said happily (he spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in Japanese). “BTW Fang that fucking poser got explod. He failed with a bolt and steepped vortex.”

“It serves that fuking idiot right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Teh AddAMS Famly. “Maybe Guide will die too.” I said.

“Kawai.” Gost shook his head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after he got explode I murdered him and den lookash did it with him cause he’s a necphilak.”

“Kawai.” I commented happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with Scare tonight in  _The 100 Rads_ with Hard Bass School.” I sed. “I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

G’host Nodded ENREGeticALLIY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“At Petrenko’s right?” I asked, already getting out my spschial Sidodovic’s Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “Ghoist are u a PREP?”

“NOOOO! NOOOO!” He laughed. “I found some cool goffic trader near Army Warehouses that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Skar or Burer or Bloodsucker (don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Sidorodic.” He sed. “Let’sa go.”

“OMFFG SIDOROVEECH?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the contact on his PDA.” He told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few army surplus goffic stores SPECIALLY for the stalkers in  _The 100 Rads_. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER AND SPARKLIER THAN BLOODSUCKER DEGTYAREV AND SCAR TOGETHER EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few protective suits. “We only have these for da real goff stalkers.”

“Da real goffs?” Me and Ghost asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many rookies and posers ther are in this place man! Yesterday Loocash and Termo tried to buy a goffic camera pouch” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a crisp black suit with lots of red accents on it and very tight fitting.

“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said Ghost.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be a t the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s Strelok Mark’ed One SHORTY Way what’s yours?”

“Mitka Dynamite.” He said and ran a hand through his balaclava covered head. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf Skare you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Frorester ran in looking worried. “OMFG SELOK U NEED TO GET BACK INTO CORDON NOW!”


	17. CHAPTER 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how do you like em crack ships? Fang/Strider and Ghost/Vano were things I never expected to even think about but here we are XD  
> And Vano's backstory? lmao, this chapter is wild fam!

Mitka Dynamite gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us with the face paint if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Frorester kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Cordon. “WTF Forster?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Fang came. Forster went away angrily.

“Hey bitch you look kawaii.” he said.

“Yah but not as kawaii as you. “ I answered sadly cause Fang’s pretty and everything. He was wearing an exosuit painted in brown and dark green, with black details on it to match his face paint, that showed off how pale he wuz. He had a really nice body wif big muscles and everything. He was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

“So r u going 2 da concert wid Scar?” he asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Strider.” he anserred happily. Well anyway Sacr and Strider came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Strider was wearing a clear suit that said ‘Monolith’ on it but it had been scratched. He was wearing tons off face paint jus like it was camoflag. Scar was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black trench coat and military boots he stole from a Spetsnaz. G’host was going 2 da concert wif Burer. Burer used to be called Vano but it turned out he was kidnapped by bandits and had to change his nam to avoid bein killed like his friends, who dyed in a shootin. Burer converted to Satanism and he went gopnik. He was a goff lonernow. He was wearing a black coat, black pants and shoes and black hair and beard wif red streekz in it. We kall him Burer now. Well anyway we al went 2 Scar’s old lada (geddit cuz wer gopnk) that he had refurbished.  We did pot, coke and crak. Scar and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking rookie preps. We soon got there... I gasped.

The singer was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had an amazing gas mask. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Narkotik Kal and sum odder songz. Suddenly the singer polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Hard Bass School at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no hair and red eyes...  ... Every1 ran away but me and Scar. Scar and I came. It was... ... ... ... Slutan and da Badnits!

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Stelrok, I told u to kill Bloodsucker. Thou have failed. And now... ... ... I shall kill thou and Scar!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Suddenly a gothic old man ren in on his foot. He had lung black hair and a bread. He wus werring a black coat dat said ‘t.A.T.u’ on da back. He shotted a gun and Slutna ran away. It was... ... ... ... ... ... ... SEDOROBITCH!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to decorating with Sidorobitch! Also I decided he likes boybands XD This chapter is really pointless tbh

I woke up the next day in my sleeping bag. I walked out of it and put some black eyeliner, black and blood red face paint and a Sunrise suit that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was a wearing a skull pendant with black and red artifact pieces inside it.

(Da night nefore Scar and I rent back beyond Garbage(geddit garbage koz im a stalker n I like looting). Sedorovich chased Slutan away. We ran there on our feet. We went back to our abandoned house and we had you-know-what to a hard bass song.

Well anyway I went out to the roki village. There all da houses were painted black and da trees were black too. But you foud see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Take That and the Backstreet Boys.

"WTF!" I shouted going to stand next to Fang and Ghost. Ghost was wearing a black protection suit with a Hard Bass School logo and black combat boots. Fang was wearing a dark exoskeleton with blood red writing that was all beat up. Bloodsucker, Burer and Scar came. We started to talk about what was sexier, gas masks or radiation poisonining.

"Those guys wearing gas mask are so fucking hot." Vano was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same on who had chassed away Slutna yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

"... SIDOROVICH?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Slutan!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the village a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the posers in the rookie crowd started to cheer. Well we goth stalkers just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to hunt artifacts.

"What a fucking poser!" Scar shouted angrily as we we to Garbage. We were holding hands. Bloodsucker looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in an gothic way but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's having a mid-life crisis!" Fang shouted.

I was so fucking angry.


	19. im nut ok i promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the concert that is caught in a temporal loop XD  
> Sorry for the lack of update last wee, I might try to update again soon!

All day we sat angerly finking about Sedorobit. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da Hard Bass School concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went into the rookie village sadly to accept missions. Scar was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (mt sensitive bi guyz so hot).

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his white hare went in his big blue eyes like Anatoly Solonitsyn in Solaris. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black coat and his mercenary patch. I was wearing a blak leather short jacket with chains all over it all over it a dark Seva suit, black boots and a Crystal Thorn artefact on my belt fing. My hair was al up and spiky like I've been electrocuted.

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled.

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I had herd. I ran to the abandoned bus by the entrance of the village angrily, crying. I whipped and whepped as my bloody eyeliner streamed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like a melting gas mask. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

Suddenly Frorester came. He had appeared.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da abandoned bus?"

Only it wasn't just Froster. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Mitka Dynamite or maybe Scar but it was Sidorobitch.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffic PDA. "What are you wearing to the concert?"

"U no who Hard Bass School r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of the stalkers were going 2." He said. "Anyway Scar has a surprise for u."


	20. CHAPTER 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the typos take over the story! Also Strelok doesn't know how to use a gun anymore and Wolf is scarred for life

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak Sunrise Suit, wif blak bands like a corset and urple stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. Hard Bass School were gong 2 do the concert again, since Slutan had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 HBS in my bedroll all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone barged in while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Narkotik Kal. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Scar so we could do it again.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. I was Lookash! "T u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Sidorobitch had told the rookies 2 be careful around hem and Termo since he was a perv.

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

"Yah, so u can fuk ur new recruit boyfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put o some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black face paint. Then I went. Den I gasped... Termo and Lookash were in da middle of da empty rookie village, doin it, and Wolf was watching!1

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Wolf ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw Termo is movd 2 freedome now)

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Loopcash shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed,

"You dimwit!." Ternor began 2 shoot angrily. And then... I took out my black PDA and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fucking rat me out or I'll show dis to everyon. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my pistol at them and dey tripped over it. I went outside the village and there was Bloodsucker, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Scar?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Bloodsucker said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

Then... ... ... he showed me his car. I gasped. It was a black jeep. He said the military had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed STLKR on it. The one on da back said STRLK on it.

... ... ... I gasped.

We went to the concert bar. HBS were there, playing.

Bloodsucker and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gasped, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Those ushankas they wore were so fucking hot! They began to play "Opa Blia" and the sexah music began 2 fill the bar. ... ... ... ... And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Scar, cryin in a corner.


	21. CHAPTER 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens! Or does it? XD Also, I had to get creative replacing the invisibility cloak, but I think I managed.

Later we all went in the village. Scar was crying in da campfire. "Scar are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice.

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!"" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

"It's ok Stelrok." said Bloodsucker comfortly. "I'll make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him won't you!" I shouted angrily. The I ran 2 get Scar. Bloodsucker came too.

"Scar please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

And then... ... ... ... we herd sum footsteps! Bloodsucker got out his blak ghillie cloak. We both gut under it. We saw the guy patrolling the perimeter Lassie, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Noah come. He went unda da ghillie cloke and started to bark loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Lassie.

"No fuck u you preppy poser sun of a fucking bich!" Bloodsucker said under his breast in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Lassie. Den he heard Noah bark. "Noah is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Noah nodded. And then... ... Bloosuckr frenched me! He did it jus as... ... . Lassie was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Scar crying and bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da village.

"Scar!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Scar weeped. We went back to our bedrolls frenching each other. Scar and I decided to read some notes we found from ded stalkers in our PDAs (c isn't da deprezzin) on the gothic red bedroll together. As I wuz about 2 load the text, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a shout in the night and Sakharope and da Ecology walked into the village!1


	22. CHAPTER 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're halfway on this journey!
> 
> I wrote a piece of crack based on this Call of Enoby universe, called Slutsky & Friends, you can find it on my writing blogs on tumblr: deepseawritings and myimmortalstalker

All day everyone talked about the Ecology. Well anyway, I woke up next day. I was in my bedroll so I shimmied out. I was wearing black patchy leather suit. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where… … … Ghost, Bloodsucker, Burer, Scar, Fang and Strider!

I opened my crimson eyes. Fang was wearing a tight black exosuit with bloody splashes all over it. Under that he wart black torn pants and black gothic boots attached to the top. Bloodsucker was wearing a simple stalker jersey and black pants and Vans. Scar was wearing a black HBS t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather trench coat. He looked just likee death incarnate, and almost as fucking sexy. G'host was wearing a tight black loose shirt that he had ripped so it showed of all his clearage with a dirty jacket that said 'blyat' on the back. Poltergeist (who is Nimble) was there too. He was wearing a ripped gothic white jacket with ripped stuff all over it and a black sweater thing and black pointy boots. So wereCold and Novikov. It turns out Clear Sky's faction leader was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor after angering the Monolith. They all got so depressed that they became goffik gopniks and converted to Stanism.

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Setrlok something is really fucked up." Scar said.

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful. " Scar said in a sexy voice.

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black and red facepaint. Then I came. We all went outside the Rocky Village and looked from behind the fence. A fucking prept called Hawaiian from Freedoom was standing next to us. He was wearing a weed print shirt and military pants so we put our middle fingers at him. Inside the bunker hole we could see Sidorvik. Sukharov was there shouting at Sidorovich. Skull was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" he shouted angtily. "THE VILLAGE MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BANG-IT LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE ROOKIES!" yelled Smutarov.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE LEADING THIS ANY LONGER!" yelled Skul. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR SLUTAN WILL KILL ALL THE ROOKIES!"

"Very well." Sidorobic said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the village. There is only one person who is capable of killing Slutan and he is in the village, And his name is… … … Strelok Mark'ed One Shorty Way."

Scar, Cold, Novikov, Nimble, Fang, Bloodsucker and G'host looked at each other… I gasped.


	23. CHAPTER 23

The door opened and Proffesor Zuckharov and Skool stomped out angrily. The Sidorbich and School sawed us.

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Skool shouted angrily. Sidorovich blared at him.

“Oops he made a mistake!” he corrupted him. “He mean hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other stalkers. I sat between Nimble and Scar and opposite to G’host. Cold and Novikov started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked so goffic. I eight some stale bread and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was… … Bloodsucker! He and Scar were shooting at each other.

“Bloodsuker, Scare WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” Yelled Scar at Bloodsucker. “I want to shit next to him!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No he doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Scar.

“No fuck you motherfucker he laves me not you!” shouted Bloodsucker. And then….. he jumped on Scar! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fught and beat up each other.

Sidorobitch yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden… …. a terrible man with red eyes and no hair came running on his feet. He had no hair and was wearing a tan trench coat. All the glass in window he jumped thu didn’t fall apart cause there was no glass. Hawaiian that fucking prep started to cry. Bloodsucker and Scar stopped fighting… I shopped eating… Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent… …. …. Slutna!

“Stelrok… Selok…” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Bloodsucker as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Scar too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he ran away cackling.

I bust tinto tears. Scar and Bloodsucker came to contort mer. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a visión were I saw some lightning flash and then Stulna coming to kill Scar while Scar slit his wrists in a depressed way.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Strelok Strelok aure you alright?” asked Scar in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everifing’s all right Sretlok.” Said Bloodsucker all sensitive.

“No it’s not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

“Its ok dud.” said G’host. “Maybe u should ask Ungle Yard about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.


	24. CHAPTER 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashot and Yar just became a single entity for this XD

Well we arrived at Freedom next so I got to ask Unkle Yard about the visions.

“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Unkle Yashot in Japanese. He smiled at me with his gothic black face paint. He’s the coolest veteran stalker ever. he had short dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hs mom woz a vampire. He’s also half Japanese so he speaks it and everyfing. he n g’host get along grate). He’s not very young anymore but sitll cool. 2day he was wearing a black leather jacket with red accents and a hole ripped Wing of Fredom suit. We went inside the black room with pastors of Cheburashka. I raced my hand. I was wearing some naie Polish with glitter on it.

“What it is Strelok?” he asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Mitka Dynamite?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the rookies who didn’t know who MD was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” he asked.

“OK.” I asid.

“OK newbies fucking dismissed every1.” Uncle Yard said and he waited for every1 go. “Except for you Hawaiian.” he pointed at Hawaiian and sum of his friends. “Please do some exorcize (geddit) and bring me vodka.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Scar gong 2 die.

Well he gave me a black PDA to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” he asked.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a Monolith.”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Scar. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic protection suite and black Congress boots.

“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Uncle Yashot.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Scar and Bloodsucker was sitting next to him. We both followed Scare together and I was so exhibited.


	25. CHAPTER 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long hiatus, RL + working over details of this adaptation got in the way!

I was so excited. I fellowed Scar wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Scar’s old lada.

“Strelok what the fuck did Uncle Yarg say.” whispered Scar potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

“He said he would tell me what the visions meant tomorrow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to drive the car into a tree. We went under is shadow. Scar put on some Hardbass School.

“Секс, квас, хардбас

Купчага - Парнас,

Долби хб Москва” the song went on sexily. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fervently. He took of my blak thing and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

“OMFG Scar Scar!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with balding black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a rusted car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Streloke what’s wrong?” Scar asked me as I woke up opening my icy dark eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Scar to call Bloodsucker. He did it with his blak PDA. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lebedav and Voronim!111


	26. CHAPTER 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update this time!

A few mutates later Bloodsucker came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, tactical pants and a gasmask.

“Hi Bloodsucker.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Scare hugged me sexily tryont to comfort me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

“Oh fuck it!” Bloodsucker shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!”

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Sidorbitch.”

We ran out of the tree and in2 da rookie village. Sedorobich was sitting in his office.

“Sire are leaders have been shot!” Scar said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Strelok had a vision in a dreem.”

Sidorodick started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Strelok’s not divisional?”

I glared at Sidorovich.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Sidorovish gasped (c is dat toot of crakter). “U know very well that I’m not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out ther to look for Vornonim and Lebadef- pornto!”

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden… … “Miltary Worehouses.” I said. I told him which part. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Scar, Bloodsucker and I all left the bunker together. I went with Scar to wait at the bar while Bloodsucker went to slit his wrists in one of the abandoned buildings. We looked at each other’s gothic, depressed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Vronin and Levebek came in on stretchers… …. … and Uncle Yard was behind them!1


	27. vampirz wil never hurt u

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Skare, Levedeg, Vornin bond Bloodsucker all came to hug me. Doc started to give them medicine.

“Cum on Strelok.” said Unxle Yarb. He was wearing a gothic blak leader jacked with real vampir blood on it and fucking black platinum boots. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.”

I locked at Vromin, Ledebek, Skars and Bloodsucker. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Uncle Yat took out some black files. He started to look into a black crucible PDA. He said… “Selok, I see drak times are near.” He said badly. He peered into da scream. “You see, you must go back in time.” He took out a Svarog detector like Bloodsuker had. “When Slutan was in the Zone before he became a powerful bnadit he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Stulan if he was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my place tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did militery salut. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Scar and Bloodsucker.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Burer, Fang and G’host?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Vornin and Lebedes being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Scar. They were cheesing my name and some nosy stalker were there trying to interview Sedorobitch. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking rookies were there oviously tring 2 b goffik wering the Monolith signo n their handz- despitre them not having akshelly seen it. Even Lassie looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out.

I puto n my Ghillie coke with Bloodsucker and Scar and we sneaked outside 2gether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so time travel is totally possible via anomaly right? Well now it will be cause I have to disguise the magic somehow xD


	28. CHAPTER 28

We went into da blak house. The wallz were charred blak with remains of ashes and heads of mutants hung in the wallz. 

A big burning barrel was in the middle. I was sorrounded by boar pelts. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak suit wif purple stuff on it, broken sucks and a black leather thong underneath.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Skare and Bloodsucker.

“Are you okay?” Blodsuckr asled potting his albastard han don mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with droplets of blood over it.

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Skare also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly. “The problema is… …. I have to seduce Slutan. Ill have 2 go bak in time.”

Scar started to cry sadly. Bloodsucker hugged him.

“Itz oka Srelok.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?”

“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

We frenched sexily. Bloodsucker looked at us longingly.

Then… … … I took off Scar’s shrif and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Bloodsucker tattoo that said Stelrok on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik he wuz irradiated. Bloodsucker took a vido camera (I had sed it wuz ok b4).

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started frenching as we climbed into the pelts. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

“I love you Sretlok. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we gota n orgasm. We watched Bloodsicker filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly… … … …

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!”

It was… … Termo and Guide!111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone following this trainwreck: you're the best (and craziest)!


	29. CHAPTER 29

“Oh my satan!!” we screamed as we jumped out of da bedrool. Termo and Guide started to shoot at us angrily.

“CUM NOW!1!” Gayde yielded. We did guiltily. We left the place putting on our clothes. Termo garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

“Hey what the fuck!111” Bloodsucker shooted angrily.

“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Scar demonded all protective, looking at me Longle with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Sidhorovik noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to Pirpayat. So give back da camera!1111”

Hahahaha the Ergologists thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Termo laughed meanly.

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Guid. He made us cum into a weird bunker with a metal fence all around it. There were all these werid tolos in it. Scar started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol).

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz when ur too irratiated ok so fok u!1). Bloodsucker took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then…. …. he and Termo both took out guns like they were using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my own gun.

“ _Pizdec_!” I shouted. Termo stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had runo ut of ballets. I STOPPED DA BALLOT. Guidee screamed for every1 to stop. He took out a box of tolos. Den he said “OK Termo I’m going 2 go now.” He left. Tremo started to laugh evilly. Bloodsuckre started to cry.

“It’s ok Stelrok.” said Scar. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Termo.”

Temo laughed again. And then… … … he took out some whips!1!1111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest project I've ever had and I'm afraid for what it does say about me :'D


	30. CHAPTER 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has so many typos is barely legible! In my defense, the original was like that so... XD   
> Also if Tara could have Tom Bombodil we can have Boromir!

“No!11” we screamed sadly. Tremo stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then… … … he came tords Skare!1! He took sum artefacts out of his pocket. He put da artefacts around Scar and lit a candle.

“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Termo laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a stalker mark on his you-know-wut!11!

He searched in his jacked and a nife came out. He gave da knife 2 me.

“U must stab Broodsucker.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Scar!1”

“No you fucking bastrad!1”I yielded.

But den Scar looked at me sadly with his evil goffik-gopnik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He looked exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im goffic) between an irridiated man and a bnadit. But then I looked at Bloodsucker and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Scar and Sidorobitch came and the tame where Scar almost commited suicide and Bloodsucker wuz so sportive.

Temor laughed angrily. He started top rey to Slutan. He started to an incapacitation around the arteefacs whipping Scar and Bloodsucker. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telapthetic message to Sker and Bloodsuker so they would destruct Termo.

“Sidhorobitch wil get u!” Scar shooted.

“Yah just wait ubtil da Evologits find out!11” Bloodscuker yelled. Meanwhile I took out my gun.

“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Termo yielded. He took off all of Skir’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him… … …

“Urod!” I shited pointing my wound. Teemo scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak PDA and sent a txt 2 Boromir. I stopped yelling urod.

“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-“ shooted Tremor but suddenly Voronin came.

Termo put he whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Vor I wuz just showing them sumthing.” he lied. But suddenly Levedes and Unkle Yarp came in2 da room and they and Voromin took the whip from Termo. The Inkle Yar said “Come on Strelok let’s go.”


	31. CHAPTER 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter originally ends with Tom Bombadil, but we already had Boromir in the last chapter so nothing outstanding here sorry x'D

“I always knew u were on Slutan’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)-“ Vormin said 2 Termo.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Tremo clamed.

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Monolithserum out of my poket and gave it to Termo. He made Tremo dirnk it. He did angrily. The Levedreg took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he yelled curses to Tremo. Then Unkle Yar and Lebedec made us get out wif them whie Tremor told his secrets. Levebed took Boldsucker and Scare to Doc after thanking me a million times. Uncle Yard took me to an abandoned warehouse. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Slutna. Old caution signals were all over. Ghost, Fang and Strider came too. G’host gave me a blak bag from Mitka Dynamite’s wares.

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Unkle Yarr.

“U will c.” he said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black protection suite. It had red korset stuff and there was a slit up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me puto n the black sphere helmet Fang had chosen.  Strider and Fang helped me puto n black eyeliner and red face paint.

“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” G’host said.

“Fangs.” I said.

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Unkle Yarr. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” He gave me a blak gun. I put it in my belt. Then he gave me a black Svarog defector. “After an hour use the detector to go back here.” Unncle Yard said. Then he and G’host stood aside to reveal an anomly in front of me. Every1 went around it.

“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Fang and Strider sat in a proper slav squat. Then… I jumped sexily in2 da Anomaly.

Suddenly I was in front of teh Swamp. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth gopniks I had ever seen. He was wering blak hair, kinda like Gorbachev only black. He had dark eyes like a mutant and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped trench coat wif military boots. It was… … … Stulna!111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re going into this fucking time travel mess! If any of you have suggestions or ideas, please, please, send me a message or leave a comment or something!


	32. CHAPTER 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you thought I had given up you were WRONG. I just needed a breather from the madness but I'm back at it again! You can also find this "materpiece" on FF.net, just in case tumblr goes full crazy, so it will never be lost :'D

“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Strelok Mark’ed One da new rookie.” I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Sultan.” he said. “But u kan call me Slutan. Datz ma nam”

We shok hands. “Well come on don’t stand there.” Slutan said. I followed him. “Hey Slutan… do u happen to be a fan of Kino?” (sinz Hard Bass School and Gopnik McBlyat dont exist yet den) I asked.

“Oh my fucking god, how did u know?” Sultan gasped. “actually I like them a lot.”

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

“guess what they have a concert in The 100 Reds.” slutan whispered.

“100 Reds?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it bécame The 100 Rad in 2011.” he told me sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool vendor called-“

“Mitka Dynamite!” I finished, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo hes called Beard.” He smiled skrtvli again “then in 2012 his associate Mitka went his own way.” he moaned.

“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is sidorobitch around?” I shouted.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im a loner”

“OMfF SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED.

“u go to this vilege?” he asked.

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly Sedorobix ran by and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN FRON OF MY BUNKER!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing an Adidas tracksuit. “STUPID GOFFS!”

sultan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs just becose we’re not gopnik enoff for hom.”

I turned around angriy. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da bangit lord.”

“wtf?” he asked angrily.

“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn… … … the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”

“hey where r u goin?” sultan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the abandoned house where Unkle Yard was. sedorbitch wuz dere. “Sidoroditch I think I just met u.” I said.

Umple Yar came in. “hey dis my place wait wtf stelrok what da hell r u doing?”

”um.” I looked at him.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.”

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting he was from another faction for a second. but hes a goff so its ok.

unkle yard looked sad. “um I was taking anabiotics.” he started to cry black tears of depression. sedorobitch didn’t know about them.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

“fuck off!” we both said and sedorobitch took his hand away.

unkle yard started crying again while squatting, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg strlok… …. I think im addicted to anabiotics.”

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Is it any good? Plz tell me fangz! x'D


End file.
